This post comes to you from international waters! I’ve been on a Baltic cruise with my family, which has been a lot of fun.
Honestly, it’s made me feel pretty lazy- like I haven’t gotten much accomplished. Like I’m just wasting away my time instead of enjoying my life. Or maybe I just have difficulty relaxing. It’s hard to say.
I’ve been thinking about Patrick more often, probably because the last time I went to Europe was a year ago for our one-year anniversary. When my family is sitting around doing nothing, refusing to play board games with me (seriously, am I related to these people?) it does make me miss him. On the other hand, the times when my brother makes me laugh so hard I can’t breathe, I remember how much I missed that on our last family trip because of Patrick. I suppose the overall message there is to find someone who will play board games with me and also loves my family. I’m looking forward to going home and starting to date again.
Relatedly, I recently wrote a piece about my relationship with Patrick regarding alcoholism and self-delusion.* I am extremely excited and proud of this because it’s the first time I’ve gotten something I wrote (that wasn’t for work) published. I always thought that I really wanted to write fantasy books, but recently I’m discovering how much I love to write self-help/inspirational stuff about my life. It was also really empowering and healing for me to write the piece that was published. It helped to make sense of my story and what happened in our relationship. And I’m glad that I could share my story with the people in my life. I posted it on Facebook and I’m glad that my friends and family get to know the true story of my relationship.
Vindictively, I kind of hope that Patrick’s friends see it and learn the truth about him. I also hope that one of them shows it to him so he can understand what happened from my perspective. I feel pretty guilty about these hopes though.
On a happier note, I hope a lot of people see it and that maybe it will help someone going through something similar. I know I felt really alone and like no one would understand what I was going through in my relationship. Like many loved ones of alcoholics, I felt like I had to hide Patrick’s faults and couldn’t let anyone know what was going on. Relatedly, I’ve thought about trying to write a longer story or book about it, but I feel that my story isn’t good enough. I don’t know if there is some truth to this or if it is just a reflection of the general feelings I have sometimes of not feeling good enough.
I’ve been loving writing this blog and the piece for the Cropped site. It’s been really powerful for me to be able to write about my experiences and share them with others. I’m amazed that people I don’t know read this blog. I hope it helps them. Thanks all! J
*Here’s the link to the piece: http://www.wearecropped.com/issue-013/on-alcohol-self-delusion
I recommend checking out this website and the other stories as well. They are all very powerful and well-written.