I’ve been struggling with my weight. Probably my whole life, but especially lately. I’m actually quite an impatient person in general. If I’m planning to lose weight, I want to see results the next day on the scale. When I don’t, it is disheartening. Especially if it takes a few days or a few weeks to see that loss. Weight loss isn’t easy. Developing healthy habits to keep the weight off and keep being healthy is even harder.
My biggest temptation in this process is just to give up. To decide that I’m not going to try to lose weight anymore or watch what I eat. I tell myself it’s because I’ve been trying and it hasn’t worked. That nothing will work, so I may as well enjoy myself. But the truth is… I’m afraid of failing. It’s so much easier to say I’m not trying, so I’m not responsible for my weight gain or my unhealthy habits.
I love deserts. I love french fries. I love carbs. I want to eat these foods pretty much all the time. If I have the option, I will choose them. Developing healthy eating habits is something that I’ve struggled with all my life as a result. It’s probably the hardest to accomplish of all my personal goals. I often leave it off of my goals list because I don’t want to say that I failed.
I’m ashamed that it’s so hard for me to develop healthy habits. I’m ashamed that I can’t just say no to delicious foods. I’m ashamed that I’ve gained so much weight in the past year that I can’t fit into a good portion of my clothes. I’m ashamed… and yet here I sit eating a giant scone for breakfast and dreaming about this weekend when we’ll have club seats at the baseball game and I can eat all the unhealthy food I want for free.
I just joined Noom, which is an app that helps you develop healthy habits. Today they asked what one big struggle would be this weekend, and I mentioned the club seats at the game. They suggested you develop a plan to deal with it and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t because I want to eat the food and not care. I want to take the easy way out- to give up, to say that Sunday doesn’t count, to pretend I can’t come up with a strategy when really I don’t want to.
I hope that I will. I want to try. But more importantly, if I give in on Sunday, I can’t give in the next day. I can’t give up because it’s easier.
It’s fucking hard sometimes to make the changes that you want to in your life. Anyone who tells you it isn’t is full of shit. But in the end, it’s worth it. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on your goals. Even if you fail sometimes, keep trying. Because you’re worth it.