I’ve written on this blog before about my anxiety. It’s something that I have a hard time talking about, because I really want to believe that I don’t or that it’s gotten better or I’ve gotten over it. But I don’t think it works that way. And sometimes I’m reminded of the role it plays in my everyday life.
When you have anxiety, you often get hung up on an incident that most people would be able to get over fairly quickly. For example, I always notice that my mom can get really worked up about things that happen to her and don’t seem like a big deal to me. Sometimes her boss will take off Fridays from work or call off because he doesn’t feel like coming in. She will get very upset about this. I can understand how frustrating it is when you’re really busy and someone doesn’t seem like they’re taking their job seriously. But my mom will rant about this on the phone for awhile, to several people, and will constantly bring it up later.
It sounds so ridiculous when it isn’t you in the situation. But I can empathize with her a lot more now that I see myself doing some of the same things. Recently, I didn’t get my proposal accepted for a class that pays me to do research with students. I felt really upset about this, because the head of the committee was a person who had insulted me and my research previously. I felt that this person rejected my proposal because he didn’t take me seriously. I talked to all my colleagues about it. In about 20 minutes, I have a lunch with this committee and I’ve been freaking out about this a little.
I talked to one of my colleagues about it, who also happens to be a counselor. I knew I was overly anxious, but it didn’t really register to me how irrational I was being until she pointed it out. I questioned whether or not I should prepare a Power Point for my students to use last minute. I made assumptions about when and how the committee would judge me in possibly re-considering my proposal. I worried about the brown boots I had accidentally worn this morning instead of the black ones I meant to wear with this outfit. I was seeing the worst in everything. I was catastrophizing. But all of these things seemed perfectly rational to me at the time. Of course I should worry about these things! Of course they were reasonable!
When you’re anxious, your thoughts and feelings seem normal to you. It seems only natural that you are worried about those particular things. Sometimes it takes an objective opinion to point out to you that you aren’t making sense.
I feel proud of myself that I was able to take that advice and take a step back from the situation. I knew she was right. So I stopped worrying about it and got back to my grading. Sometimes it isn’t that easy, but I’ve been making a lot of progress in this area.
Off to this lunch meeting. Hopefully I can retain this feeling of calm during it.